


Under Your Skin

by kimblixmctrashy



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Blood, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Hearing Voices, M/M, Other, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-16
Updated: 2015-10-16
Packaged: 2018-04-26 14:57:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5009098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kimblixmctrashy/pseuds/kimblixmctrashy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometime after Felix's death -- and Locus' discovery of his body -- Locus' downward spiral into madness begins.  From alcohol to drugs, Locus will stop at nothing to ensure he feels nothing for anyone or anything again.  To care means to open yourself up to pain.  Too bad his methods only brings the voices that make everything so, so much worse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Reckless

**Author's Note:**

> Shoutout to my partner in crime, Alex, for the wicked anons sent that inspired this series. You can also find them on my tumblr @ doubletheefficiency. Enjoy the pain, friendos. i kNOW I DID.

__‘_ … It’s your fault Felix is gone. ‘    
_  
  
  
  
  
Words **w e a v e d** **seemingly out of of thin air,** **conjuring images to the forefront o** **f his mind. Picking at wounds** **that were still far too fresh. He** **knows.  He knows that better than** **anyone by now who’s to blame.** **Hues darting up to find the source of** **the words through hazy amber,** **turning up nothing.  He’s hearing** **things again, which is nothing new** **given the medication he’s on.  Only** **now there’s no one for him to lean on** **when it happens.  To pull him out of it.**  
  
  
  
  
“   ** _I know._ **  ”  
  
  
  
  
__‘_  Even after you promised him you wouldn’t let him die first. ‘_  
  
  
  
  
He  **r e m e m b e r s** **that, too.  Remembers the very moment** **he said it.  Even remembers the way Felix** **brushed him off when he did.  A deep breath** **exhaled as he tries to push the thoughts away.** **Tries to focus on the task at hand.  A swipe to** **the jugular of the first with a knife, a drive of his** **palm to the second’s jaw, cracking it with deadly** **force.  Pain searing in his arm, blade slicing clean** **through kevlar making him momentarily see white,** **feel the intrusion of cool steel sunk into his flesh.** **A growl in response, knocking the man off, ripping** **the blade out with a cry and using the very same** **to drive home into his chest as the voice resurfaces.  
  
  
**  
  
_' He trusted you and you /let/ him fall. You /let/ him fight alone, knowing he needed you. ‘  
_  
  
  
  
  
Locus  **f a l l s,** **rendered to his knees by the pain searing in his** **arm.  No doubt a poison of some sort in the tip** **of the blade.  An irritation that leaves him grasping** **at the injury as he can feel his arm starting to go** **numb.  He hadn’t brought anything with him for it.** **Didn’t care to by this point.  He knows what he’s** **done, knows he very well doesn’t deserve to live** **much longer beyond this point.  He let his partner** **down, let him _die_.  All for what?  A redemption even ** **he knows was far beyond his grasp.  He wasn’t a** **monster _because_  of Felix.  He was a monster  _without_** **him.  A realization that came a little too late.**  
  
  
  
  
                                                                                                           
 _ _‘_  Are you happy knowing how scared _ _he was before he fell? ’_  
  
  
  
  
Bitter **s n a r l** **leaving his throat and followed up with a cough that** **has Locus bringing up his good hand and wincing with** **the visible amount of blood that follows.  The numbness** **having reached his shoulder by this point.  Head leaning** **back against the wall he slid down.  Eyes darkening,** **glazing over and slipping shut for but a moment. Then,** **he’s struggling to his feet, to move onto his next task.** **His next mission, anything to keep him busy.  
  
  
**  
  
“   **No. _ ~~I failed him.~~_**   ”  
  
  
  
  
Reaching  **i n t o** **the pack at his thigh as he neared the next set of targets,** **Locus is retrieving two long,  orange and white pills and** **popping them into his mouth.  Anything to keep from** ** _feeling_. He had to make good on that promise.  To stop ** **caring. ~~He owed Felix that much.~~  And then he dashed ** **head on towards the enemy soldiers.**  
  
Reckless,   
  
                         _reckless_ ,   
                                                        
                                                   **** _R e_   _c k l e s s_.  
  
  
~~~~

 

 

 

 

~~See you in hell, ** _partner_**.~~


	2. It Should Have Been Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It should have been Locus.

**–----- R u n o u t.**  
  
  
**Medication’s gone. Nothing left to keep the voice from returning. Had struggled with the last shred of real hope you had to keep from going down this path again. Had hoped to f o r g e t. But no one knows you better than yourself. You could never forget. Never forget him. The tragic fall that haunts your dreams, your partner screaming out for your help and you – y o u – turned your back on him. Robbed him of the promise you once made him. You’d hope some other form of intoxicant might keepyou numb. Anything to keep from feeling the weight of regret that seeps into your bones and makes you w e a k.**  
  
  
_‘ – why. Why did you let me fight alone? I was outgunned, on my knees, and you did nothing. ’_  
  
  
The **f a m i l i a r i t y of the voice is what hits the hardest: so clear it’s almost as if he were there. You wouldn’t be surprised if he were actually haunting you. You’d deserve it after what you did. Visibly wincing as the memories flood back like the blood flowing from the shitty patch up job you did on your arm a week ago.**  
  
  
_‘ Did you even think to ask me or were you too afraid to ask me yourself? Did you think I’d lie to you? ’_  
  
  
A **s h u d d e r rolls through you at that. Sharp pain stabbing in your chest.**  
  
  
  
  
**–------ R e g r e t.**  
  
  
  
_‘ How do you even know the AI was telling the truth? It was an ALIEN AI. We were going to destroy its planet, Locs. How do you know it wasn’t just trying to get to you? It did get to you. How could you trust IT over ME? ’_  
  
  
The **p h o n e in your other hand is thrown across the gritty bathroom, slamming and breaking into tiny pieces when it connects with the stained tile wall. The sound echoing, but the sudden violence does nothing to satisfy you. Nothing but show just how much you’ve lost any and all self-control. Without him you’re nothing but a ticking time bomb waiting to self-destruct and you know it. You knowit as well as you know that you should have chose him. If you had, maybe things would have been different. Maybe you could have taken him off planet, lived to see his smile one last time. Or maybe, just maybe,you could have taken his place. You know more than anyone that it should have been you who died.**  
  
  
  
**_~~You don’t deserve to live.~~ _**  
  
  
  
  
_‘ Was it worth it? Are you happy now? ’_  
  
  
  
  
Silence **e c h o e s, but you’re certain he’s waiting for an answer. It takes a long time to get the word past your lips.Even longer for the constriction of your lungs to ease and make it bearable for you to continue. To push yourself up to your feet and prepare to leave for the first time in a week. Knees and legs weak from lack of proper stretching and use and you nearly double over the first few times you try as you force the words from your lungs.**  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**~~“ —— No. ”~~**  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
_**~~It should have been me.~~**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Chapter Two suddenly switched to second person, but the words just seemed to flow better this way. Holy fucking hell this was a blast to write. Incredibly painful, but eyyyy Alex brings out the writer in me so I am definitely not going to complain.


	3. I'm Sorry

He’s  **just b a r e l y made it outside when the voice starts up again. What it says conjuring up fresh images in his mind and he can’t help but curse how vivid it is. Almost as if he can feel Felix there beside him, can hear his voice so loud and clear and he can’t help pausing.  Back turned, unable to face the nothingness there if he turned to look.**

_  
‘  I looked to you for help._ _You could have stopped them, you could have done_ **something** _– **anything** – goddamn it, Locs, I _ **needed** _you. ’_  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
 ~~“ _ **I know.**_  ”  
~~  
  
  
  
  
Words  **s o l e m n l y spoken and weighed heavily with regret. Can’t help the shudder that flows through him making him grimace.  The next words making his blood run cold.**  
  
  
  
   
  
 _‘ I’m sorry;  I was scared.  This wasn’t how I wanted to die.  You promised me, you promised me if anyone were to die first, it would be you._    _You_ **PROMISED–**  ’   
  
  
  
  
Voice  **s c r e a m i n g in his mind.  Repeating the same two words over and over again.  Knees weak and failing to support him.  Lungs constricting and breath faltering as he sinks to the ground.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**  
 __  
 **** ~~Stop it, stop it, STOP IT.~~  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
                                          “                    I’m sorry.                                    ”


End file.
